I usually do not talk much about insecurities much or my personal issues I have or had within myself and how I overcame them. Really want to share my personal story of how I began to love myself and what I faced growing up.
Growing up I was considered the nerdy kid that was lame and just too smart for his own good. That really wasn’t a problem until I began to see myself as an outcast and really wanted to fit in with the other kids. I remember in elementary I use to get bullied into helping people with work and because of my small stature I was push around. I felt deep down inside that I was beneath people and became a people pleaser. I never told my parents this so when they read this piece they will find out just as well as my other readers. I was very much insecure growing up, well through high school also. The bullying through elementary and middle school impacted my outlook on life especially deep down within. Still making good grades in school, but I felt like life was not worth it. I felt as if my life was a waste and my Creator wasted their time creating me.
Contemplating suicide took a lot of toll on me during late nights of thinking. “What was my life worth”, is all I thought about. I thought about how I could just kill myself and maybe the people around me would actually care about me a little more. I struggled with my identity day in and day out. The only way out for me was suicide, well so I thought. I did not LOVE myself for awhile. Fighting depression and not being able to talk to anyone about it because I felt as if everyone would turn their backs on me and look at me in disgust. See, I was not as athletic as my brothers or anyone in my family to be exact. I grew up into fashion, music, etc,. I felt as if growing up I had to disguise what I really love to fit in to be love by people who never cared enough to know my truth.
I really had to learn how to love myself for who I was created to be. I’m more than a conqueror, I’m peculiar. It was a journey and it is a continuos fight. I no longer feel worthless or feel as if my life is purposeless. Now, I look at my past as a test so that I would be able to testify to someone else who has or still deals with suicidal thoughts, loving themselves, and just not giving a DAMN about what people have to say about them.
If you’re reading this, I want to let you know that you are an AWESOME person and that your life is worth more than what you think. Treasure it and make the best out of it. xoxo -CEEJ